April DSMA Blog Carnival

This post is my April entry in the DSMA Blog Carnival.  If you’d like to participate too, you can get all of the information at http://diabetessocmed.com/2011/april-dsma-blog-carnival/
How did relationships with other people help inspire you to take care of yourself?

I'd love to come up with some really individual, unique answer for this question.  You know, like the kid who said, "Ew.  Stay away from me.  You're sick!" in 2nd grade or my mortal enemy whom I'm going to live forever just to spite.  But I've got none of that. 

I'd love to come up with a sentimental answer that would cause the person I'm writing about to burst into tears at their computer as they realize how their relationship spurred me on to take care of myself even more. 

But I have written and rewritten this post over and over (we're talking at least a dozen times...this is some serious blockage going on).  The words just won't come.  ::sigh:: 

Today (5 days after giving up), I finally decided to try again.  Here it goes...

Five years ago, I was pregnant with my second baby.  I felt fairly confident in my ability to have a successful pregnancy after having delivered a very healthy baby girl in 2005.  But I was still nervous.  I felt like there was no way I could handle having a toddler, a husband who traveled for work at the time, and an unborn child whom I was responsible for in a way "normal" mothers aren't. 

A desperate Google search led me to a group of women who would be my godsend.  I timidly gave my very first response in the form of a private message...to a mommy named "Kerri" who lived, I believe, in the South (not this Kerri).  We exchanged a few emails as I tried to find my way into the community.  Talking with her made me feel normal and not so alone.

On this site, I read posts by women who were pregnant like me and women who were raising happy, healthy children.  I got to know women who wanted desperately to get pregnant but for various reasons were unable to do that.  I met medical professionals, teachers, stay at home moms, counselors. All these women seemed to be doing the same thing I was doing---trying to live as normally as possible in this very "abnormal" world of diabetes & motherhood. 

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that joining that community changed my life.  For the first time, I learned to advocate for myself.  I learned that doctors were my partner in health but that I needed to be educated in order to evaluate their recommendations.  I learned what it was like to live with other types of diabetes and had my own myths about diabetes debunked.  I even learned tricks for making insulin pumping more effective and getting my doctor to listen to me. 

Last year, amidst many changes in my personal life, I reluctantly began cutting back on some of my online relationships with the hope of connecting more fully with the people around me. When I didn't have online friends to turn to, I had to turn to God, real-life friends, my husband or myself.  Combining that little break with those personal tweaks, changed me immensely.  In most ways I changed for the good--trusting my own decisions for my family, not caring so much about what others think, and learning how to relax.  I have an immense sense of thankfulness for the many ways I changed last year and for the life-changing lessons learned. 

Unfortunately, in other ways I changed for the bad.  I went through a major diabetes slump.  Those living with this disease know what that is about--how difficult it is to test your blood sugar, count carbs, or even feel hopeful about life as a person with diabetes when you're in that kind of funk (and in some ways, the funk/slump was more about being so busy being a mom that diabetes moved to the back burner in an unhealthy way).  No matter what I tried to do to lift that fog, I just couldn't get it to fade away.  It was then that I realized how much I needed online support in one form or another.  Yes, I had a great husband and a family well-versed in diabetes and the feelings that went along with it, but these women and I had connected on a much deeper level.  I needed them. 

So, rather than just lurking to keep up with these women I've come to love, I began posting again and really taking the time to see what was happening in their lives on and off the board.  It was then that I noticed that the funk was lifting.  For the first time I realized how much I am inspired to keep going when I have these women in my life.  I don't think it's that I "click" with all of them, but I think it's the idea that when you are reaching out online, you are taking an extra step in the battle...a step not everyone takes.  That's the things that connects us. 

It was around the same time that I branched out of my little corner of Twitter after reading retweets by a friend.  The more she tweeted & retweeted about diabetes, the more pulled in I felt.  And the more pulled in I felt, the more I cared to pull out of my slump.  And the more I pulled out of the slump, the more I realized how important online relationships are for someone like me {{ahem, an information junkie who loves her computer and has diabetes}}.  It took me a long time ::cough::  four years  ::cough:: to realize just how important (and inspirational) my online relationships have been in my overall management of my diabetes.  But now that I know, I'm holding on.  Fiercely.