Looking Back on 2012

It has taken me quite a while to put 2012 into words. I started thinking about this post nearly a month ago, and I even sat down to write it earlier in the week. I didn't get anywhere. This past year has been a struggle in so many ways, and I'm finding that the memories of my experiences are just swirling around in my head. They're swirling so fast, that it's hard to reach in there and pull one out without it being covered in junk from some other memory. I think that's why it has been so hard for me to recap the year...every good memory is attached to a bad memory, but the "bad memory" isn't even bad. More than anything, my recollections of the past year are just irritating. They're annoying. They're frustrating. I truly felt like I spent 2012 spinning my wheels.

That's not to say that I didn't love some parts of the year because I did. We had beautiful family vacations to Mexico and the Bahamas. The time spent on vacation with each side of the family was valuable, and it brings to tears to my eyes to think of the precious memories our family will carry for years thanks to those trips. I'm also grateful that I was able to get away and spend several weekends in Columbus where it was just me, a bottle of wine, a good book and dinner out with a friend. Those trips really boosted my energy level and lowered my stress. I was able to start working again, and I've come to adore those children and really look forward to the mornings I spend with them while their moms work out or go to Bible study.

At the same time, real life really got to me this year. There seemed to be more bad moments than good with the girls, and I felt incredibly alone dealing with some of the situations I faced. I also felt incredibly inadequate as a mom. When I took time to sit back and just observe life because I thought that that would prove to me that all families with girls the same as as ours struggle the way we do...I realized that our struggles as a family really weren't the norm. I learned that I have a kiddo who needs a little extra help, and in 2012 I really struggled to get that help.  While we found a problem-solving method that made living in our home a lot easier, it became abundantly clear that the rest of the world would not always be stopping to help our child solve problems in a healthy way. Outside of our home, the world continues to function in a way that is set up for the more typical members of society...enhancing the struggle for those who aren't typical and don't fit into the average mold. I spent a good part of 2012 trying to figure out what to do about that. And because Steve was always so entrenched in work, I did that on my own most of the time. I probably didn't have to, but I did. It was emotional. It was a exhausting. And at times, it was heartbreaking. It wasn't the worst experience I could have as a mom, but it wasn't fun and it took all of my energy. It was just a constant energy-sucking situation that I never really took a break from dealing with unless I was forced to do so.

Honestly, it blows my mind that a year that had very little in it that was truly awful would leave me feeling so yucky. It has been an emotional and draining year despite the fact that nothing truly awful happened, and I want so much more out of the upcoming year. So Much More. I've been working on compiling my hopes for 2013, so I can at least have an idea of what I'm working toward. I love this time of year... I like how it feels to turn my back on the old and move forward with the new. This year I'm trying not to over think the moving forward I plan to do. More than anything, I just want to do the next thing... then the next the thing... and then the next thing. Hopefully, that will lead me to the end of 2013 feeling like I grew just enough and settled into my life just a little more than I have at this point.